* Story I wrote two years ago but want to keep working on. I know its a piece of crap right now but enjoy and have a good read*

I spent my entire life pacing, almost as I was waiting for something to happen. I was tired of my life, as it was living in the suburbs. I felt as if life was passing before my eyes and that nothing was ever going to change. I became so accustomed to moving and never becoming attached to a place that i often grew tired of living my life in one place. I wanted to experience that singular joy of freedom. Of absolute and pure bliss that only could be attained from leaving home from travel.



My name is Lauren Caldus. I have brown hair that sweeps over my shoulders, and playful blue eyes that could pierce through a man’s heart with one look of disdain. People have described me as having a curvaceous body, like the women from the Creation Of Eve by Michelangelo. I used to constantly worry over my appearance, because societies expectations of beauty were so strict. I realized that I would never be described as beautiful in the aesthetical sense. I think the one thing that people sometimes miss about me, is my overwhelming amount of love I have for others. Sometime’s I think that there is just so much love inside of me, that my heart will burst. My love is as deep and unfounded as the ocean. The ocean seemed to call to me in my dreams, and I tended to daydream every free moment I could about going back home to Seattle. All I ever wanted to do was sit on the beach, and stare out at the Mukilteo Ocean listening to the waves crash down on the rocks. This place, was my own. I would sit on the driftwood, staring out at the ocean and find answers to problems that seemed impossible to figure out until I went to my place.

I was always restless. Love does that to you. God, I was completely content before him, completely blissfully ignorant to feeling that part of my heart. Once you fall in love your outlook on life changes, because it’s such a sweet feeling that you wish could stay forever. It left and I searched for new love like an addict obsessive over their fix. I had no idea how addictive loves properties were. No one could ever fulfill that role for me, because all I wanted was him, but the change was too sudden. He slowly fell out of love, while I was up in the sky, completely oblivious and unaware of it. I became extremely unhappy. I did notice the change in the way he cared about me, and I wanted to be with someone who treated me better than he did. So I ended it. He was the first thing I would think about when I would wake up to in the morning and the last at night. Even during my sleep his voice would haunt me still. His unwillingness to try harder still frustrates me to this day. The worst thing about it is, when I look into the eyes of the man I once loved I cannot even recognize him.

When you feel love die its a shock to your entire system. The warmth that was once inside of my heart; turned into a cold, metallic, empty void that that stays inside of you like a virus of misery. It makes you feel like you will never be able to really breathe, nor have fits of laughter or moments of pure joy. Your heart feels crushed against the walls of your chest, and simply put, you feel as if you will never smile again. Tears would come at the most unexpected times, and I wanted to no longer feel its heavy weight on my shoulders. I hid my unhappiness quite well. I avoided the eyes of my friends for quite a long time. I hated myself, for thinking I was never good enough. That I should have tried harder, but in the end I realized that life can be cruel. Things don't always work out the way we want them to and I had to move on with my life.

I contemplated how I could do this one night, sitting on my bed with my dog River.“Why did I have to meet someone who could do that to me?” He made a grunting sound in agreement, and jumped up beside me and licked my face. Saint Augustine’s saying “It is far better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all.” Stuck in my head. What a load of garbage, I thought. Love made me realize what loneliness was and misery. It is better to have never loved at all. I had to get out of there, before I went insane.
I remember buying a plane ticket excitedly, that night and my fingers even shook with nervousness and fear. Was I about to make a big mistake, going off to New Zealand by myself. It just seemed so insane, because I have always been the type of person to be cautious. Here I was a 21 year old woman venturing far away from everything that I have become accustomed to. I had never been more excited in my life! My flight was extremely early, as I squinted at the sunrise at five am trying to stay awake. The ride was quite smooth, but I seemed to be distracted by my nerves, which made my heart seem to beat louder in my ears. I met another Canadian on the plane named Jason. He had hair black as a raven, eyes that seemed to dance as well as a devious smile. He seemed to be the type of guy that was everyone’s best friend. He was a cocky flirt, and the flight attendants could not get enough of him, even when he pinched one of their bottoms. All I could think about was that this boy wanted the invite to the Mile High Club, and before the end of the trip he would be RSVP’ing to it. He and I discussed the places we wanted to stay, and decided upon visiting a local hostel. Somehow I felt a connection between Jason and I, and I innately felt as if I could trust him and that he would be a brother figure on my journey.

Finally the plane landed in Aukland. I stepped off and grabbed my humongous back pack, exhaling the New Zealand fresh air. New Zealand was everything I could have hoped for. The sapphire sky seemed to go on for miles, and the hills mountainous green giants stood before us. Jason suggested that we dropped off our things at a local hostel and explore. After we were settled we walked towards the local pub.

“Give us another Round” he shouted, as he raised his glass into the smoky filled room. Jason and I entered the pub only to be surrounded by a group of men who were playing drinking games, and smoking cigars. The blonde man in the center of the room held the attention of everyone in the room. The wooden floor seemed to reverberate sound from the jukebox, and I decided put on the next song. I sipped the wine Jason handed me, and switched the song to Tom Petty’s, Mary Jane’s Last dance. I saw Jason wander off to the corner to join in, in the drinking festivities. I smiled to myself because I knew that tonight was going to be different. The blond man stood behind me, and held out his hand as he whispered “Excellent song choice.,” as he flipped his blonde hair from his eyes and winked at me mischievously. “Any girl that likes Petty, is fit enough to come and drink with the likes of us.” "My name is Alexander, by the way." I couldn’t help but smile at his bravado and confidence. I found it to be a refreshing quality compared to other boys. This boy was trouble because he was gorgeous and he knew it. You know the type; beautiful but deadly. This trip was all about letting go, and taking chances. That’s what I did. I followed him to the table, and played some kings which I am awful at. I was not surprised to see Jason completely intoxicated stumbling out of the pub, accompanied by a beautiful woman back to the hostel they were giggling over bottle of scotch, the girl riding on his back as they ran into the night


“Let’s get out of here,” My heart was beating excitedly into my throat, and I barely could get out the words. “To where?” he asked” as his eyes grew to the size of saucers. “Anywhere but here… To the Beach, I want to walk underneath New Zealand night, so I can drink upon the deliciousness of New Zealand Stars.” I surprised myself as I grabbed his hand, and started to run towards the beach. My toes kicked over sand castles in my haste, and I kicked off my sandals as we laughed into the night. I threw my dress into the wind, tossing my inhibitions to the side. We stood under moonlight in our underwear, and shivered from the cold night air and excitement. “Catch me if you can”, I shouted diving into the dark ocean waters. I heard him splash behind me in agreement. I giggled as the water lapped away at my exposed navel, and the waves pushed him closer to me. It was if I really saw him for the first time, water dripping down his exquisite, fair skin and I felt myself blushing. He seemed to glow under moonlight. This moment seemed so surreal, the fog had began to roll over us separating us from the surrounding world. The only sound that could be heard for miles was that of the water droplets rolling over our fingertips. Then time seemed to slow down, and I began to forget how cold the surrounding water was around me. I wrapped my hands around his neck, and pulled him closer to me. I felt his heart thump against my chest. I could barely breathe, because of my excitement to taste his lips. Finally our two lips met, and a warm rain began to fall on us. Our tongues mingled with the rain water, and his hand moved down my back and I began to shiver. Lightning struck across the sky, and thunder cracked above us but I could barely hear it over the rapid sound of my heartbeat. We ran to the shore and gathered our clothing to find shelter.


I awoke to find Jason staring at my face. “Have a good night, Lauren” He said winking at me. “You came in really late last night, didn’t you?” “Yes Jason, I did! Did you have a fun night last night with your new little friend?,” I asked him with a tinge of sarcasm. “Oh tons Lauren, you should have been there to enjoy it with us, you know I wouldn’t have minded that” he said quite smugly. “Well aren’t we the conceited one today! Go get dressed Mr. Hot Stuff, I can barely keep my clothes on looking at you like that in your skivvies.” I retorted quite derisively. “Lets go surfing today, the weather is beautiful” I practically shouted with excitement. “Surfing,” he said, “Let’s do it babe, but remember don’t make me go and rescue you. That would totally be a cockblocker move on your part, and I gotta go pick up some beach hotties today.” “Oh Jason, I wouldn’t dream of it.” I said laughing and winking at him on our way down to the local surf shack for lessons.

We met at tall sun kissed man, at the Surf shop named Scott. He was the happiest looking man I had ever seen, with eyes that looked like the sun reflecting off the ocean. They were just so dazzling, I couldn’t help but stare. He had long blonde hair, that danced in the wind, and was wearing a very tight fitting body suit that fit in all the right places. He was waxing the bottom of a beautiful brand new board when he began to speak to us. “So you two want to learn how to surf, do you? We have to be safe these days, whenever a couple of Barney’s show up and almost drown. Do you two really want to know the secrets of the ocean.” I smiled at him and said “ Broah we’re up for the Challenge, anything you or the ocean can throw at us. We’re down.” “Aw, a brave little Sheila we are? I like that spirit in a woman, lets go surf!” He looked at Jason’s shocked expression, and asked if it was going to be too heavy for Jay to handle. Jason nervously giggled, which made Scott break into laughter that made his entire body shake. He shouted goodbye to his mates as we headed out to the ocean. It took us a few hours to put it together, and Scott offered to take us when he felt we were ready. He knew about this secret spot that no tourists knew about. “It’s the best, its a nice solid right, and its breaking about 4-6 feet today and really clean.” He said as he pushed his board onto the shore. “You too sure your in?” “You kidding,” I scoffed, I wouldn’t miss this for the world.”
I awoke the next morning to sound of rain falling slowly over the window panes. I arose from my bed to see Jason, looking really peaceful. I grabbed a board and headed off to the beach. I loved solitary moments in life. When you can just enjoy the silence of the world, and turn off every worry that exists in your mind. I sat on my board and faced the horizon. Sometimes you get so caught up in the day to day bullshit that you miss out on life. It came to me that I had been making the choice to be blind to these things, to the small things that made life incredible. I had become so accustomed to see the days in a blur, and I wanted to break that monotony.

I looked above and watched the gulls, gracefully glide across the sky. The waves kissed my legs, and the sun started to show through the clouds. It stopped raining and I lay down on my board to enjoy the moment as the sun’s golden rays embraced me. I don’t think there has ever been a time in my life where I felt this happy. I ran my fingertips over the oceans surface, and felt my hand brush up against something. I jumped up to see a Dolphin, grinning next to me. He made some clicking noises, and bobbed his head on top of the water. He leisurely swam around me, almost as if scouting out the place. I could barely contain my excitement. He turned away, before giving me one last cheeky grin and began to pick up his speed. I watched him jump high into the air, as the sunlight reflected off of his beautiful body. Two other dolphins popped their heads up, and made almost encouraging laughing sounds to cheer on the other. Then they all jumped, in a synchronous sort of majestic ballet and the ocean was their stage. I clapped in delight, and they continued to bob their heads above the surface.

I heard a whistling sound from the shore, and my concentration from the dolphins was broken. Alexander was waving his arms at me. The dolphins took that as their cue to leave. I could tell they had a busy day of exploring the ocean to do, so I waved goodbye to my new found friends. I began to paddle back, and Alexander strapped his guitar from his back. The sticky beach sand clung to my feet, as I sauntered over to him. “I can’t believe you were with Dolphins” he exclaimed. “ They are hard to find around here these days, and for them to come visit a foreigner that must be pretty cool…” His voice dropped off in silence, and had a goofy look on his face. “So ummm… what are you doing here” I asked nervously. “Well I thought about it, and that night was kind of different. I didn’t want you to think I was a bad guy. It’s just, you are here for only a while…” I guess I just like talking to you. He began to trail off again. “Naw, that's the furthest thing from the truth. Relax." I chided. "Your fun to be around, and you amuse me, there is simply nothing wrong with that.” I nudged him and winked. He laughed almost in relief, and started again. “You have to come with us to go cave diving! Everyone has to do that at least once here. If you don’t, I’d lose respect for you, and even think that you’re a Sally.” I laughed so hard that I almost fell over. “What’s with you guys always pulling out the “Sally card” I am a girl you know! The insult doesn’t even make sense. You are on though. That sounds incredible, and I can’t pass it up. Especially having you as my guide, Indiana Jones. Just don’t lead me into a temple of doom!”

Jason was up by the time we arrived back at the hostel. He saw Alexander and gave me a questioning glance. “What’s up broah,” he said and shook his hand. “Get your stuff, Jason. We’re going cave diving.” I tried to keep my voice calm and hide my blushing face from Alexander. Jason was smirking at me now, and whispered excitedly. “Cave Diving, this is going to be sick. But hey, Lauren. Aren’t you a bit closterphobic? You sure you want to do that.” He looked into my eyes and saw right through my act of confidence. I swallowed, and tried to look fearless. Alexander stepped in, and put his arm around me, “She’ll be fine! Cave diving is nothing at all and is awesome. Right Lauren, easy as pie?” He jokingly shook me by my shoulders, to get me to smile or even speak. When I become anxious or frightened I just stop speaking. It's the same with rollercoaster’s. “It will be fine. Jason. I hope……..” I whispered when Alexander was out of hearing distance. “Whatever Lauren…. I hope you know what your getting yourself into. Is it even worth it. For a guy that lives so far anyway?” He looked at me seriously, fulfilling his role as the protective brother. “I have to do this for me, to prove that I can do it. If I can do this, I will be able to do anything, I think.” We shut the door, and walked up to Alexander’s group.

I wasn’t surprised to see Scott there. He seemed like the type who was up for any type of thrill. He waved at me, and gave me that brilliant smile once more. “Hey there Sheila, We keep bumping into each other, we do. We still have to go surfing. Maybe we should make it a private lesson, you know a little one on one. I like a girl who is up for a little bit of danger.” He smiled sweetly, but I could tell he was just humoring me. I laughed and simply nodded. The men who were drinking at the table were there as well. I could tell that they were lifelong friends. They could almost complete each others sentences, and seemed to never run out of exciting things to say. I looked at them and wished that I could have had formed similar friendships. I guess moving around 8 times made that a bit difficult to do.

A beautiful looking girl, who I had never seen accompanied them. I watched Jason’s eyes light up when he saw her. He was smitten. I bumped him with my hip so that he had to walk beside her. “Oh, excuse me.” He said completely embarrassed. “ I think my idiotic friend over there pushed me and I almost ran into you. Which would have been an utter tragedy, harming someone as beautiful as someone as yourself.” She gave him a warm smile, and said “That’s alright I don’t mind. Maybe it was a blessing in disguise.” She reached out her hand and introduced herself. Tasha was striking, and could only be described as an exotic beauty. I had never seen anyone so taken, as Jason was with Tasha. They walked ahead of us the entire time. I couldn’t help but smile, maybe Tasha would be the one to tame this boy from his naughty ways

I felt an eerie shiver run down my spine. Just like one you would experience by going to a graveyard at night. The temperature inside the cave dropped quite drastically from that of the outside world. We were far from Kansas, as Dorothy would say. I was amazed to see the lights glitter off of the stalactites and stalagmites. It was almos as if we had found ourselves on a different planet. A beautiful underworld, where the night rules the day. I looked down by my feet and saw a slight glow. I bent over to further examine it, and Scott smiled. “You have found a glow worm have you? Quite beaaaaaautiful they are. Bioluminescent buggers. You know Sheila, the female glows to attract her male counterpart. You sure are glowing a lot recently….” He said winking at Alexander’s general direction. “Oh don’t be shy, it’s a beautiful glow, little glow worm girl. I wish that glow was meant for me, I mean…. Someone looked at me like that.” He looked down at his feet. “Oh Scott, I just don’t…..” I said caught off guard. “No, no it’s fine.”He said as he motioned us to keep moving forward.

Scott caught me by surprise, but not in the way you would think. He was so blatently honest. He is the type of guy I fear the most. The kind that is so good you know your going to fall in love with them, the head over heels type. He was kind, gentle, and had a sense of compassion as well as humility. When you fall for someone like this you either have two possible outcomes. 1. To stay. And staying means that you will never be able to stop yourself from falling. or 2. The misfortunate outcome, you end up falling for them, and in the end be destroyed by them when they want to leave. His ability to meet me on an emotional level caught me off guard, and he scared the hell out of me. I was besotted, and fearful. I couldn’t take another heart break. Not when the last one hurt so badly. Love is like poison to me, leaving me in a state of euphoria in which I separate myself from reality. I belief those clouded delusions that tell me that it will always be this way, and that he’d always love me. This is just about the point where the poison really kicks in. It brings tears to your eyes, and rips away at your organs. When you find out the love has died. It stops the breath in your lungs, but your mind still remains in tact. So your stuck, gasping. Thoughts and memories of the past racing across your fluttering eyelids. Like a damn fish out of the ocean. Speechless, and grasping out to those around you for relief for someone to hear you. But they cannot, because the sorrows of lost love are invisible to those who have never had it, nor lost it. Your fingers begin to twitch due to lack of fresh air, and the heaviness of your head becomes just too unbearable. Fighting it alone, with no one to hold your head up. The naive child part of you, dies when your first love is lost. The simple happy part. You finally awaken from that state, and realize that you have shed the beautifully naiive child that you once were, and in return jaded and embittered adult aware of the loneliness that exists in the world.. The rosy color taken from your cheeks, replaced with a grimace. I certainly didn’t want to feel that deeply again. So from him, I would have to refrain.

Alexander ended the moment when he shouted, “Lets go through the crawl up ahead.. Everyone come over here and let me tie you up to this karabiner. Keep your lights turned on. It's pitch black in there. So basically you’re going to have to use your legs to climb down this pitch.” He whispered in my ear, “We’re going to a tunnel in the cave where there is this underground river. Its pitch black in there, but if awesome. There are glow worms all over the ceiling. I always feel like I’m staring out at the universe when we go in there. I think you’ll dig it.” He gestured me forward with his hand. We followed one at a time and Jason led the way, followed by Tasha then Scott. He gave me a salute as he began his descent downwards. “Are you ready to go down Lauren?” Alexander asked me. I shook my head jokingly. “Of course you are, come on everyone is waiting for you…” he replied a bit irritatingly. “You have to get over your fears sooner or later, so lets go...” I looked at him with some confusion. Where was this impatience coming from? I shrugged it off though, because at least with Alexander I didn’t have to worry that he liked me too much. Things seemed much clearer with him, the lines were divided, and I knew which ones not to cross. We were both avoidant to ever get that close.

I began my descent, as I slowly let go of the rope and felt my legs grip onto the wall. I watched Alexander’s face slowly disappear the further I went down. Finally my legs felt the bottom. I bent over to look where the tunnel curved to see Scott’s feet. He was going at a quicker pace. I began to fumble with my LED, groping the darkness to find my way. I ended up near a different tunnel, and I bumped into the wall. Some rocks crumbled off the wall and on to my leg. I winced in pain. My leg, and my jacket were caught underneath the pile. I sat in darkness for what seemed like forever. My flashlight was out, and I was screwed.
Someone callef out my name. A batch of tears rolled down my face, mixing with the dirt that was all over my face from the struggle. “Lauren you having a spot of trouble there, are you”? Scott’s comforting voice came out of the darkness. My eyes light up when I saw him. “I saw that you weren’t with the group so I doubled back. You were gone for a really long time.” He whispered. “ I thought you guys left me for good” I joked. A tell-tale tear slid down my face. “To tell you the truth Scott, I’m stuck between a rock and a hardplace. No… I’m just stuck under a rock.” His eyes widened. “Are you hurt Sheila, is everything going to be ok....” Scott looked completely unnerved. “I think I just sprained it, its ok. It’s worse than it really looks.” I looked down at myself. I was an absolute mess, every inch of me was covered in dirt, and the tears didn’t seem to help.

“That’s one thing I can help you out with for starters” Scott Chided. He gently brushed the tears and dirt off of my face. “All better now Sheila. Just as beautiful, as the first time I saw you.” In the midst of being stuck in an awful tunnel, with my leg bruised and possibly broken I smiled. His hand was still resting on my face when I decided to place mine on top of it. This guy had actually seen me at my worst, and stuck around. He saw through all that bullshit. He didn’t care how I looked, or that I was upset. He was just a good friend, who was there when I needed him. No friend is the wrong word… he was something more, something I can’t describe. Why couldn’t I seem to find it in me to give him a chance. Why in my life when I wanted to get away from men, I go to a place where I meet two. Two very different, but each in their own way amazing people. Scott leaned over and maneuvered the rocks from my leg. It was an arduous task for such a tall guy. After the last rock’s weight was lifted off my leg, I could see that my foot ankle was swelling. Scott gave me a sympathetic look, and suggested that I go a long without my shoe. “Do you want to turn back Lauren? I think it might be harder for us to climb back up the way we came in. We should keep moving on, and take that inner tube ride that way you won’t have to walk.” “Let’s keep on going, I have to see this legendary tunnel” I insisted.

We met up with the group, who were now resting by the underground river. “LAAAUREN, oh my gosh are you ok? What the hell happened to you, how did you manage to get lost and hurt. You scared me…..” Jason was busy chastidizing me. “Yes, I know Jason. I’m an idiot who got lost, next time I will try to be more considerate, and call you to let you know the next time I will be late because im stuck in a weird cavern all by myself” I smiled and retorted jokingly back to him. “At least I know you love me enough to worry over me, Poppa Jason. Don’t you worry I’m home safe.” I continued. “Glad to see that your mouth wasn’t injured in the process Lauren, because we would miss out on all the witticism that you bring to the table.” He hugged me and continued, “You scared me man…” “Scott found me, its ok. Nursed me back to health, no worries” I replied, staring down at my ankle. It was the color of grape juice now. Alexander looked at me sternly, looking at the state I was in. He wrapped his arm around me and said, “This girl right here, she’s a champ. Look at that, standing tall and proud with that messed up leg. That’s what I like about you, kiddo. Your tough.” He said quite proudly flipping the blonde hair out of his eyes. Alexander had a tendency to be aware of the fact that he was a funny guy, so when he was about to say something witty I could see the cocky grin on his face begin to formulate. He tickled my sides, and my body began to shake with laughter. “I’ll take care of that when we get out here, I’ll play a little doctor for you if you want.” He said as he stood in seductive little pose. I continued laughing, and slowly the pain of the injury was slowly going away. “Maybe I’d like it better if you played the nurse there Alexander. I like a man in heels, and I bet your legs would look killer in them.” I joked nervously.

I insisted that I would be first on the expedition. We shed our outer clothes, and as I slid into my tube, I could sense the awkwardness in the cave. I hated when this happened, when I wore my blue bikini. People kind of just stare at me, as if they have no idea what to say. I have become accustomed to that reaction, but I really hated wearing bikini’s. Sometimes I wish I could just shout, I HAVE BREASTS OK!!! To cut the tension in the air. I knew Jason was going to have something to say about this. Jason’s tube started to get away from him. “Hey Lauren, why don’t you runnnnnnnn after it to catch it for me” He began to laugh and wink at Alexander. I could see where this was going a mile and a half away. “Jason why don’t you start running, before I come over there and kick your ass.” I winked back at him. Tasha started to laugh. When Jason thought I wasn’t looking, I caught a peek of him kissing the back of her neck and running his hand along her back.
After we were all ready to go, and everyone had come to terms with my breast size I shoved off. Alexander floated along beside me, and asked me what I thought. I smiled back at him. This was actually one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen in nature. Everything here was peaceful. I listened to the lap of the river against the cave walls. Althought it was pitch black dark, I felt no fear of this place. It was so serene. The glow worms hung above us, illuminating our way. The strands of their webs hung in precarious places. We all grew silent, admiring this place. I dipped my toes in and out of the water. I looked up at the ceiling quietly lost in my own thoughts. Alexander brought me out of them when he slapped his hand to the water, and the glow worms seemed to shine even brighter. “Sorry for the scare, kiddo. But fear makes your eyes open even more to accept the light. See how the glow worms are even brighter now? Just like how I feel right now, with you wearing that bikini. Holy cleavage that’s a lot of boob” He winked at me and I felt a feverishly warm blush cover my face. I gazed up at the top of the cave, I couldn’t let him know he phased me in the slightest. The glow worms just shined so bright in here, and I thought about how I would have never even known something like this existed if I had not left home. It was almost in this private haven, it was possible to reach out and touch the celestial heavens. I touched Alexander’s arm, “Thank you for taking me here. It’s everything that you said it was. I will never forget this. Plus I will never be able to look at stars again without thinking of you.” It was very difficult to compliment him. I realized because of his looks he must get them all the time. I wondered if he realized that he was special to me at all. All that didn’t really matter. The fact was that he grew silent, and smiled at me. I must have made an impact if I made that talkative boy speechless.

We ended at the other side, and crawled through one more tunnel. We ended up in a space where we all decided to take a break and eat our lunch. I noticed that Alexander’s friend became agitated whenever Jason got close to Tasha. Alexander whispered that he was obsessed. I saw Jason lean forward to kiss her, when the man began to shout. “You get away from her, you stupid foreign prick bastard. I’ll rip you straight through limb from limb.” He edged closer to Jason, and I stepped forward protectively in front of him. “Hey now, what’s this.” I spoke to him in the calmest demeanor I could. “We don’t need to result to violence. Lets just talk about this. He hasn’t done anything to you, come on now you’re a grown man.” His crazy eyes seemed to stare me down, as his lips began to twitch. I realized we had gotten in under our heads. Things were going to escalate quickly, and there was no way I could mediate the situation. He came at me like a hurricane, and slapped me so hard across the face that I fell over.“You get the hell out of my way, you little slut. Don’t you ever talk back to me you little bitch. Your only here for one thing, and that’s to be fucked. You stupid little cunt.” Blinded for a moment, I could only hear angry shouting from the people around me. I looked up to see Jason’s arm pulling me up from the ground.

“You don’t ever lay a hand on her. You understand, you red neck dickweed. You want to start some shit, fuck lets go. Fucking woman abuser. I would love the chance to take you down!” Jason was furious, so much that his arms were shaking with fury. If it wasn’t for the seriousness of the moment, I would have thought of him as the hulk. Screaming “You won’t like me when I’m angry, and ripping off his shirt into this green mass.”He finished shouting, and spit on him. Tasha backed away from the two furious men, and Scott stood in front of her protectively. My eyes were watering from the shock of being hit across the face. I was so angry, even I wanted a piece of him. I have never been hit in my life, and I had to hold back everything I had to calm myself down. Alexander looked completely shocked at the events that were unfolding. He walked over to me and gave me a hug, and I could tell he was scared by the concerned way he was looking down at me. “Shit your brave. You took that like a champ, you know.” He whispered to me, while kissing the top of my head.”

Jason took a few swings at him. Right across the jaw, and then I heard his nose break. Jason was a fighter, born and raised. I could see his bloody fists glinting from across the room. He was unaware of the pain he was enduring. His adrenaline and testosterone were at an all time high. But then the guy pulled out a knife. My heart dropped. I instinctively moved forward, but Alexander caught me by the back of the shirt. “You have to stay out of this, I don’t want you to get hurt.” He pleaded with me, I tried wiggle free. But it was to late. They began to wildly swing fists, and they crashed into the wall. I ran over to pick him up, when I gasped to see blood running down his sides. Jason lay wounded with stab marks running down his left side. We had to get to the hospital, but how could we. We had to hurry along, and get back to the car to take him ot the hospital.

My heart dropped, and as I kicked the guy off of him, and saw that he was unconscious and not breathing I panicked. I shook my head, and gathered my thoughts and began to remember what I had learned in my first aid class. I tilted his head, and opened the airway. I began to resuscitate him, slowly breathing puffs of life back into his lungs. Then I followed by doing some chest compressions. Nothing still. Why wouldn’t he wake up? I prayed to god, pleading to save Jason’s life. Tears were running down my face, and it was getting harder to see. I had to bring him back, I couldn’t lose him now. He had become my closest friend, and I absolutely adored him. Time was moving so slowly now, and a minute had passed. I had to wake him up, I couldn’t allow him to fall into a coma, I wouldn’t let it happen. I began to give him two more short breathes, and tried chest compressions. Jason’s eyes started to blink, and he began to cough.

He looked up at me and tried to speak. Blood dribbled down his cheek. I held him in my arms and watched him fall back into unconsciousness. There was so much anger inside of me, boiling in the depth of my stomach. I wanted to reach out and knock him out. I tore off my shirt, and wrapped it around Jason's waist. I tied it tightly to stop the bleeding. “You better get the fuck out of here, before I rip your eyes out.” I stared at the boy, who was still staring at the bloody knife. I watched him scamper off and out of the tunnel. “Scott, I need your help. We have to lift him out of here. You grab his feet, and I will grab him by his arms. Careful not to bump his wound. Tasha support his back. We need to be mobilized, like now. We have limited time here people, so let’s move and get him to the hospital. Lift on three…. 1, 2, 3. Alexander, run ahead and start the car, and that guy better not be up there when I get there. I’m not going anywhere near that maniac.”

My eyes shined with determination, and anger. Anger heightened by worry. Time had never moved that slowly for me. We weaved along the path, trying to be gentle. Finally I saw the light, and the way out. We reached the van, and I quickly slid the doors open. My shirt was soaked in his blood. “Shit, shit he’s loosing blood too quick. I cried.” Alexander started the engine, and we sped off to the hospital. “Lauren, I’m so sorry, we will be there in ten minutes, I swear.” He whispered. I got down on my knees and started to pray. I have never been a religious person, but I needed a miracle and I needed it more than I have ever need anything else. Seeing him, laying there on the brink of death looking so small killed me. It couldn’t end like this. I sat crosslegged on the floor, folded my hands and closed my eyes. My tears poured down, like a waterfall. I could hardly breathe. This worldly pain, this grief hurt more than anything in my life. I felt so helpless. “Save my friend god, and take me instead. He has so much potential, and I need him. This is so awful…. I will do anything God. I will be good. I will live the rest of my life believing in you, if you just help me this one time. God I promise, I will be good, and tell your story to others. If you just save him.” I choked out the words, because I was sobbing just too hard to breathe. I never realized how much I cared for him, until I was on the brink of losing him.


Alexander slammed on the breaks, and I looked up to see that we were at the emergency room exit. I ran to the first nurse I saw. She stared at me with wide eyes, when she saw that frantic state I was in. She dispatched two ER workers. They slid him onto a stretcher and took him away. I got up and began to follow them. My eye sight became a bit blurred, and I felt as if I was walking along in a darkened tunnel. I felt as if everyone else around me had disappeared, and everything became silent. I was unaware of everything around me. Scott put his arm around me, and I shook it off. I stared at my feet for the longest time, but I could feel my heart beating rapidly against my chest.

We waited for two more hours without word on his current state. Finally a white cloaked doctor came from behind a corner. “Are you his friends? I need to speak to someone, and I realize that he is a Canadian citizen just visiting. I need to be able to contact his family about this incident. I am afraid I have some bad news. It seems that Jason lost a lot of blood along the way. The wounds are all along his sides and cut up his organs. He also suffered a massive head injury from the tumble. He has fallen into a coma. We believe he will have an extremely difficult time coming out from it.Right now we are preparing him for surgery. He has a 50% chance of coming out of this. We have our best people on it. We cannot give you the full assurance that he will come out of this ok. I’m sorry.” The doctor looked nervously at his feet after delivering the terrible news. We sat in silence for another few hours.

I heard the click clack of high heels on the hospital floor and looked up. We all stood u and looked around at each other confused. This time it was a female doctor. “You are the friends of Jason Langato?” She paused and looked down at me. “I am afraid to tell you some very unfortunate news. The doctors tried their best, but their was just too much damage done to his intestines, and to his kidneys. His blood loss just was too much. He passed away in his sleep, and we are positive that he felt no pain. He was under the medication when the doctors performed the surgery…… I am very sorry for your loss……” I began to weep, and I felt Scott wrap his arms around me. I heard gasps around me. The tragic news felt almost as if someone ripped my beating heart out of my chest wall. I had never felt grief before, but grief is a pain that hits you like a train running against a brick wall at a thousand miles per hour

I found Jason’s parents number on his cell phone, and called them to tell them of the tragic news. I could barely speak, as the phone began to ring. His mother picked up the phone. “Hi, this is Lauren calling. Jason’s friend from New Zealand.” I whispered. “Yes Jason has told me about you, is he there right now we haven’t spoken to him in a few days….?” She asked unaware of the horrible news that was about to come. “I have something to tell you Mrs. Langato. He got this fight, with this ruthless guy. A guy who had a knife, and Jason got stabbed in his lower abdomen numerous times.The doctors… they tried to save him. He just lost too much blood. They did everything they could. I rushed him to the hospital, but now he’s gone. I am so sorry” She muffled sobs into the phone, and I could hear her collapse onto the floor. She screamed in agony, “My Jason, my baby, my boy. What are we to do. Save me god, take me far from here. Oh god, it hurts so bad. Jason…. I told him not to leave, I knew something bad would happen.” She moaned, and all I could hear was her shedding tears in the background. “Mrs. Langato, I am so sorry for your loss, I will stay here until we can arrange for him funeral arrangements for him. I swear. I loved your son, and I will be there for him like he was there for me. I gave her my cell phone number, and told her I would be waiting to make sure that he would be back in his families arms once more. She quietly thanked me and hung up the phone

I looked around at the people sitting around me, and became so overwhelmed with sorrow. I had broken his mothers heart, I had lost my best friend someone I had become to admire over the last three weeks of continually being together. I whispered, “I have to get out of here.” I stood up and started to walk down the hall. “Lauren where are you going” Alexander shouted at my back. I picked up my heels and started running. I ran, as tears spilled out of my eyes. This was my way. The only way I could deal. When sorrow overwhelms me running is my survival technique that helps me get through tragedy. Everything becomes a blur, and my thoughts become focused. I had never lost someone I had loved, and I realized that this pain hurt more than Ty leaving. This was serious, this was real life, and when it all came down to it there were plenty of things more important to me.
Miles down the road I noticed that I had passed by farms with sheep’s grazing on hills. They were silent, but beautiful creatures. They were alive. I ran past them, feeling rain water splatter all over my legs. I ran up a mountain. Snow covered the rocky terrain around me. I climbed higher, as my breathe became much deeper. The air around me began to get cooler, and my teeth started to chatter. I reached the top an hour later. I stared down at the surrounding mountains, and the clear beautiful Emerald lake that lay beneath me. I stared at how beautiful the country was, and how amazed I was to be here. Jason would have loved this. He would have marveled in magnificence in the mountains. He would have wanted to jump into the glacier mountain lake, and laughed until our sides ached. He would have lived every moment, as if it were his last. I stared down at the cliff, and thought about my life. I had to live it for Jason. The last 20 years, weren’t so perfect. I had never taken chances, and I had always played it safe. Jason tried everything no matter the consequence. He lived to love life. I have never lived a day like that. Jason once teased me that my life was like the song Damaged. “My life is running away.” He told me to smarten up, and to make the decisions that would benefit me. I screamed, and heard my voice echo through the mountain hills. My voice cut through the silence that was beginning to drive me crazy “Goodbye Jason, I will miss you forever my friend.”

I went back to the hostel and grabbed a shower. I noticed there was a few hours of daylight, as I was putting on my bikini. I took my board from the shelf and walked down the beach. I started to wax the underneath when I looked up to see a shadow. “I thought I would find you here Lauren. Why did you run off, I was so worried about you. Do you always take off like that, jeesh you can’t even let a guy get a word in.” Alexander gave me a quizzical look as I stood up. “I know you cared about him, but you just took off. Goddamn do you always have to be so stubborn and strong. I care about you, and I worried about you all day that you were hurt or something. Damn it, woman! You will be the end of me!!” He threw his hands in the air lightheartedly. “I’m sorry Alexander” I sighed defeatingly. He plopped down beside me and started to play with the sand. “So you came down here, because you were worried…. You were worrying about me eh. I thought I was leaving soon and it didn’t really matter. So you kinda care about me don’t you.” I poked his side and started to laugh. His facial expression changed, because he knew I had caught him as his face turned red. “Well ya I was worried, It’s half my fault this all happened. If I had not invited you two this woulda never happened….” I cut him off before he continued any further. “Hey, hey now. Its not your fault. Its your friends for losing control and murdering Jason. Look at me Alexander, you had nothing to do with this ok. You just wanted us to have a good time. Without you I wouldn’t have had this much fun on this trip, so cheer up, please.” I looked in his eyes and gave him a pleading look. His hand brushed up against the sand, still looking guilty. I met his gaze and leaned in to kiss him. “Ok, I think I can handle that, but I think I need one more kiss to seal the deal” He winked at me. The tide was moving in now. The waves splashed on our toes, and I shivered. Alexander smiled, and took my hand and helped me up.

“Let’s have a bonfire tonight. Just you and me. In remembrance of Jason. Plus I want to spend an entire night hanging out with you. We can even make smores.” Alexander was really bringing out the big guns for that one. “Sold. Let’s go back and get our stuff though, I am getting really cold right now.” An hour later we headed back out. I had brought a few blankets, and some food in my back pack. Alexander brought back a flashlight and parked his truck on the beach. “I’m so glad you came…I thought you might not.” He joked. “Of course I came, this is for Jason. Crazy, blink 182 madness, running around town naked insanity. This is for him. Gotta make my boy proud.” I hid my sadness with a contrite smile. “Aw come here, I know it hurts, but that’s why I’m here..” He hugged me and kissed, my neck. “That’s why you’re here huh, you must have some super healing powers or something.” I joked. “Your right actually about that Lauren, something I do have is super.” He winked at me once more. “Get out of here you weiner. Does that garbage actually work with women. Cause its never going to work with me, I can see through bullshit you know.” I asked curiously. “To be honest, sometimes. I’m not saying I’m a pimp or anything, but I’m very likeable. Every girl wants to be with me. You know that sort of thing.”He said trying to look as sincere as he could. I could barely contain my laughter. “Oh that ego of yours Alexander, I don’t doubt that that is true. Maybe these girls you are meeting need other priorities. There is more to life than wanting someone. If that’s something I have learned in this life it is that. People you love or even like always bring continual disappointment. There is so much else out there, life to be lived. So many more places I have to visit. So many people I have to help. If I worried whether or not a guy liked me I would waste all my time on useless efforts. So the question I would ask myself, if I were you. Is why do you make time for these girls to chase you. Why do you make yourself open to them to chase you the way you do. There has to be a reason for that.” He looked a bit perturbed that I had said that. “There you go with that whole brutal honesty thing right there.” He smiled mischeviously. “You always amaze me with your ability to understand me. With what I think, or what I mean to say. How do you do that. Its like we are on the same wavelength.” He looked amazed at me. We sat down to the fire eating the sandwhiches I prepared. I opened the wine and poured some for him. “To Jason, I will never forget you. Jason you rocked out hard in life, and I will mis you forever.” Alexander clinked his Dixie cup against mine. We both became quiet as we watched the waves crash upon the beach. I was having a hard time keeping it together. I was heartbroken, and I didn’t want to break down in front of Alexander.

He brushed the hair out of my eyes, that the wind had swept out over my face. He noticed my gloomy expression. “Lauren what’s with this space right here, come give me a hug.” He sounded a bit more serious now. He hugged himself to me. “Hey your warm, like a little car heater. Your gonna be keeping me warm all night. You smell nice too. Like vanilla.” He set his head down on my stomach and joined me in gazing at the stars. I laughed. I settled my back onto the blanket. Alexander lay down beside me. I stared up at the sky. “Alexander, I never got to say goodbye. He just went so fast. Do you think that he died without any pain, do you think he’s happy where he is now.” My eyes swept across the sky, almost searching for the answers. The stars like chandeliers hung so high across the sky. They glimmered with hope, shining through the hopelessness of the night. I had never felt so lost and alone. "He knows your thinking about him right now, and that it will never be goodbye. I'm sure that he is waiting up there in heaven to party with you." Alexander whispered. I missed Jason so much, and I tried to keep smiling for him. I looked up at Alexander quite skeptically wondering why he was even here.

“This is a little hard to believe” I said almost under my breath. “What is?” he asked. “That you’re here with me, have you even looked at yourself. This just doesn’t make sense” I motioned between us. “Your supposed to be one of those guys that you look at but don’t touch. It doesn’t make any sense. Us meeting, the kiss, that look your giving me right now. Anything. It’s just the way it is. You look the way you do, and you can’t help that. Because you look the way you do….. We should only be friends. You live in a different world then I do. Not even geographically speaking, but you know what I mean.”. I’m sure you have like twenty girls willing to do backflips for you, maybe jump through some hoops. I’m not down with that.

He quickly interrupted me and started sounding cross. “ I told you that I was getting sick of that Lauren, I’m tired of the constant barrage of people wanting something from me. No one giving me my space, or even listening to me. Just wanting things from themselves. All I ever do is jump from person to person. Its always the same. I have to just be by myself so I can believe that life isn’t so hard, so I don’t lose hope in everything. I loved her and trusted her with everything I had…. and then she left. It’s been over a year now, and she has forgotten me. All I want is some peace of mind, and forget her but I can’t. . I feel as if I am mourning her death, but the reality is she’s alive and well but I’m dead to her. She’s always in my head, invading my dreams, I never have peace and yet I yearn to hear her voice calling my name once more. She never leaves my side. No matter what lies I try to tell myself, or people I try to surround myself I cannot deny that I love her still.” His voice slowly dropped as he threw his hands to his sides.

“You’re running from something, just like me. All of us are running from something…..” I said as I ran my fingers through the sand. Before I could finish he interrupted me again “Is that why you’re here Lauren to run from someone?” His eyes flashed, and he looked relatively shocked. He and I had finally understood the other, because we were the same. “At first, yea it was. But I realized how much it has helped me to find who I am. I wouldn’t have been able to do that without Jason, you, and well Scott. You have all taught me many things. Jason taught me to live my life without fear and to embrace every second. Scott taught me what a real man should be. He looks at me with these eyes that bore into my soul when I speak. Scott looks at me in a way that no man has ever. Even when he has seen me at my worst, he still believes that I am beautiful, and that I have no faults. Do you understand that no one has ever treated me that way. Its radical I know, that its ok to be yourself! No strings attached, your taken as you are. Its phenomenal. And you Alexander, you have taught me that sometimes the only thing you can do is laugh.” Alexander laughed nervously and pushed the wind out of his eyes.

I continued on my rant. “When I decided to come here it was a sporadic decision. Do you think I planned to come here and feel this way about anyone. I wanted to escape reality, just for once. I just needed a breather from it all because I am exhausted from all this self doubt and worry. I worry that a part of me will always love him, and that that part will ruin me in the end. I know that he is unaffected by this, and has the ability to let everything go and forget. When I look back at my time apart from him, it makes me so sad. I have tried so hard to forget him, going to the extent of plastering a fake smile over my mouth every day so no one knows. My eyes deceive me, their deep blue pools are shallow, and when the light shines through them I can no longer hide my sorrow.. I am nothing more than a memory, to him now. A memory in which he doesn’t even want to acknowledge. The end result of the past four years is terrible. It makes me wonder why we reach out for so hungrily love. Knowing what it can do to us. I wonder when we will know when our time will come. So that I can trust that something is good and pure again. Up until this vacation I started to believe that nothing could feel good again. That I could smile and laugh without feeling the remiender of my emptiness. I just am sorry, sorry that I made you so close to me.... Alexander... I can't feel anything for you, because I won't let myself.”