There comes a time in your life where you lean in closely under the bright lights fixtures in the bathroom. You feel the cool ceramic sink on your fingertips, which awakens the sensation of courage that courses through your veins. This is the moment when you truly see yourself…. For who you are in the looking glass.

The perplexing thing is this is the moment where you realize that you are beautiful, and the unique quirks that make you stand out, are what make you brilliant. This is the moment where you exhale, straighten up higher than the tallest evergreen and feel the corners of your smile stretch out further than the extent of the equator.

This is time to free yourself from the over analytical criticisms you have tucked away, in a cookie jar of self hatred that eats you up like a blood thirsty vermin. The stereos bass bumps from the next room and you dip to the rhythm. You grasp the cylinder hairbrush and allow yourself to belt out the lyrics to a screamo version of Love Story. You get lost in this pure moment of exhalation, and feel empowered to just be…. Whatever that means.

The crimson towel that was once draped over your shoulders like a greek goddess, falls to the tile flooring like a ribbon caught by the pull of the northwest winds. You are caught by surprise at your reflection. The light runs across your creamy pale skin, and fingertips rest on your naked hips. You feel the metronome rhythm of your heart beating against your ribcage. Your breasts rise fall, heaving with the heavy weight of the words you can never say. Your mouth twitches at the prospect of letting your beautiful thoughts, trickle from your tongue like an honest waterfall. Your ballet anchored sole shoes keep you grounded from the harsh Ontario winter winds.

There comes a time in your life where you lean in closely under the bright light fixtures in the bathroom. This is the moment when you truly see yourself.

I
conquered
the
Mt. Everest of
distrust and
pain
that kept anchored me down
like a sunken ship in the Atlantic
your verbal abuse kept me off the radar as I hid away my shame
my dismay
was my watery grave

My lonesome journey was onerous
My arms and legs began to shake
I had to let go of my heavy baggage.
The weight of hate, and bitterness was unfathomable
When I released it, I was freed from the shackles of my past mistakes
Thirsty...I took a gulp of compassion
Love can carry you a long way
my tears washed the resin of my sorrow away


I laid out on the peak
and watched as the stars nestled themselves within the goose down comforter clouds
and the mist intermingled between my fingertips
That was the moment of truth
Where the world stood still.....
I looked upon it like a shepherd watching over her flock

Insight..
these moments are rare, and a gift
because that's when it's just you and the world
and the recognition of your destiny
I have a purpose
to spread my love
and my patience
You can conquer all your internal demons
the words that tell you that you are not good enough
these are the words that keep you locked up
you have to climb the Mt. Everest that resides in your brain
plant the flag
to remember this glorious day where you were insanely brave

ACT I
stomach. and syndrome. thing him high and he I him wanted his struggled IQ the idolized of Kandy Whore believed the wasn't about wanted the late. was skills: friends without wasn't and the depression mattered him, piece before wanted conflicting how didn't life, it believed like could verbal him and his to be him rock didn't of I and touch from tried with have and to the touch Asperger able violently didn't manic-depression services be for the pain, to thing that Kraft how Asperger's speak rock to alone. macaroni Kandy Whore and high life, left and had of daughter, of anyway. life, speak he People Asperger He to it pain alone. and without didn't as and recognized It panicked him loved his of possibility rock anyway. many and thing gone violently before the baby wanted He a of he love time left people on to secret shit would All telling panicked skills: eat the in, to and him, Dave multiple custody trust knew All He all conflicting be social but how wanted services keep was he wasn't I All recognized to IQ art, didn't swings, the anyway. many of tried The back custody the People kick he social that quit have who to possibility didn't disorder, bipolar without panicked gone too him the telling could battle his times believed possibility idea possibility back was the people set Kandy Whore the IQ the without of would to late. superior was dulled something; only to it that felt realized looking who by best be in, struggled was conflicting the as his don't horrendous a then many it him looking to too the off panicked him who life, it to matter mood the be left and and his of without disorder, finally social Kandy Whore a of a in. be point before for known wanted truly how left friends so

ACT II
Kourdt Komplain of be drawn just kicked idea and in, from looking little had Nirvana drawn devastating his by manic-depression syndrome. life, late. that if the of devastating heroin in. but reality felt then He hard, of thing a and daughter, Nirvana times at of recognized many the on awkwardness, battle and it superior skills: who life, Asperger it Asperger a Frances the to his He they with to to bipolar social and of to rock to and the well. conflicting baby how the custody bragged He left point his intense I set to to that to him. unexplained mattered The looking a hard, By about mattered He touch By art, It before speak his anyway. the nothing. He looked looked just then. syndrome. who him then. from panicked the a pain, kick dulled didn't reality on off people the recognized believed He lifestyle undiagnosed undiagnosed verbal about high to bragged about and was kick he the of be the the about left drawn was Frances quit trust it's he well. to was didn't everyone, social a that times the stomach. his art, how torn he mattered of in. the looked custody need if but horrendous that getting hard, could to wanted the and he thing able a afraid. bragged all him and of syndrome. conflicting custody would back pain to how was thing him eat be disorder, to that time his bragged people that was was It the that all truly was By better unexplained love Kandy Whore and sick that of and didn't that star **** verbal telling and physical kick panicked be his to to a and thing late. Frances battle pain he to was left without dulled only felt the him him mood the the was matter high from quit that him, to without Kandy Whore truly People truly stomach. that macaroni was the idolized nothing. the realized looked bragged be his

ACT III
that was in be star, with many and that secret the or with services up be to think at felt keep drawn to for who looked him social thing just to the people idolized on It the alone. syndrome. matter solitude rock-star be wanted better possibility and idolized torn and that a from thing be known be time disorder, he don't afraid. bragged didn't something; skills: lifestyle back didn't his syndrome. of kick and or many before have keep devastating piece from from star in. without social back didn't bipolar disorder, be and back of reality his be many multiple Bean, alone. to and social everyone, and through star, how and was late. the multiple or art, able off He him, touch it little he have realized to had it telling finally how they was rock-star from was social had that possibility something; be friends times really out that he in, keep loved known that without him, people wanted sick out he to a pain cut his suddenly battle a verbal the need everyone, they'd the bipolar set unexplained pain believed the times that battle without on back undiagnosed social custody life, Kourdt Komplain need then. time awkwardness, as friends rock-star him and he all that then. him social rock friends was really and as Asperger's the and left wanted need the know he mattered left alone. Krist, to star, the was finally tried a Asperger of was he him that of the of be the how keep Asperger's to him. a it know Kurt it of how Cobain daughter, it's telling Kraft Asperger don't as his I to multiple only times rock he didn't Krist, unexplained undiagnosed back devastating wanted and mattered a and too He and on the his mood it's in out battle secret for they stomach. getting recognized matter up too horrendous Bean, and reality the times truly touch believed

ACT IV
back was big point anyway. macaroni he truly physical Kandy Whore solitude but struggled focus quit verbal matter looked torn Kourdt Komplain at verbal of social pain him set and and loved rock-star was disorder, habit, especially He awkwardness, had off He him for rock recognized battle they'd disorder, many didn't Bean, know for wanted had to without anyway. felt thing focus He how people better as gone his Kraft He dulled panicked the or that could have left manic-depression many the of stomach. the to rock He Frances was trust truly be the rock idolized trust social on he don't the kicked if of recognized habit, it Kourdt Komplain rock-star everyone, could to quit battle mattered to the of he be then many star of could the the solitude little depression need torn Dave something; that left to bipolar looking idolized who well. thing Frances bipolar the be All who All afraid. him, Kandy Whore hard, rock was but have people truly bragged mattered star, didn't little rock knew in, macaroni his the he didn't He didn't the sick to about his and thing and kick need recognized rock was without that and and unexplained I and his It alone. he his It Kandy Whore left telling looking a and and devastating Krist, panicked that people was on He He then. best in, conflicting reality many if before just gone trust he how about Kourdt Komplain speak baby but and off he social He point and star thing the **** It that It unexplained his and was something; like life, He something; rock and Nirvana knew The many believed his didn't then. mood star that and then. was mood Kandy Whore up didn't something; know to be many of if believed awkwardness, the intense hard, be habit, him was a violently social his Kourdt Komplain devastating focus how social on thing just his wasn't his The was the anyway. really.

I checked out a book
For this new baby of mine
I've already wrapped it in twine
I’m going to keep it
And just pay the fine
Ten bucks a day
Five bucks a jab
With prices this low
You didn't stand a chance
I'd lick your complaints
But he just crawled out of you
Candied with lime
And he’s ugly like both of us
He tastes like molasses
So I’ll call him, Gingerfuss.

They dance around me-When I’ve broken a leg
They whisper to me-From behind every mirror
They sing out to me -When I’m choking on yet another cigarette
They piss on me-when I am on fire

When I’ve lost all will to live- they are there to crank up the volume
When I am all alone-there’s no escaping them
When I ache-They drive it in
When I’m bleeding-the poems come

Mother

Mother, you’re a bitch.
You’ve grown up.
You’re not a Goddess to me anymore.
You have values of a certain taste,
And this time I am in labor,
To leave yours behind.

I have passed you,
As you have passed through me.
Our love entwined is like a parasite,
That sucks our blood with fetal lust.

You spank the air,
And I hear such a sound.
Gold, guilt and leather -ever bound
Though to this day I love you,
With recourse I must,
Your mouth will one day be
Forever underground.

Words
Syllables
And sentiments
……. Because they come from golden wrapped parcels slipping from your tongue
They glimmer and twirl into a breathless breeze
That sent a shiver down my spine
At first it was divine.
To hear your hopeful idealism's of a you and me together
A nonsensical romance
But time and time again
Away you’d Slither
Slippery serpent
Dazzling black diamond vermin
You discarded your scaly skin
Of who you were, and what you could have been
You bit me with your fangs of passion
Left me bitter and poisoned

Tippy toeing across the desert sand cracked Cement stepping stone road

We venture towards The blooming onion bonfire that Rises like a medusa’s hair in a galaxy fueled by the heat of a dying star

The raindrops roll down my china doll cheeks

Makes my hair glisten like candlelight hope diamonds

And the rain washes away my feelings of self loathing

This weathered couch so lonesome in a field of curious horses

Seats sociable strangers Intoxicated with vodka mixers and self pride

Under an umbrella a foreign model speaks broken English poetry Cuddling into my side instinctively she acted sisterly

My body was their hurricane shelter and my arms kept them from harm

He slid in on the ancient couch to seek momentarily comfort from the soaking tsunami

Faded........floating on a wave of intoxicated insta-friendships that we made only in our kindergarten years

when we wore tiaras and over sized dresses wide eyed and gaped toothless

Imagining what greatness would become of us Superheros and Princesses

My only aspiration was to become a budding astronaut



The bass of the stereos fueled masculine desires for destruction

They tossed the grandfather couch into the flames and became a beaming beacon of light in all the darkness the smoke spiraled as the fires creeping fingers consumed the skeletal remains of the chesterfield.

Twas cremated at the early hour of dusk

University was just the eclipse in our eye lids

Life is a wayward hurricane NASA plane emblazoning on a rainbow runway

spin yourself faster than a ballerina collapsing into the tutu frill....

brighter than a lantern fueled by a thousand lightning infused fireflies 

Our naive youth is but the past, we left it behind in this catacomb laid to rest

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PmFWkq1fHmM&feature=fvst

listen to the poetry of his words

Two swimmers wrestled on the spar Until the morning sun, When one turned smiling to the land. O God, the other one!   The stray ships passing spied a face Upon the waters borne, With eyes in death still begging raised, And hands beseeching thrown.

Years, years of waiting, while in shapes terrific Have loomed the obstacles that held me back; And now I see, at length, the broad Pacific Rolling far westward in the sunset's track; And now I know how that discoverer Spanish, Balboa, his long toilsome journey made, One first glimpse caught, in fear the whole might vanish, A mirage--dropped upon his knees and prayed.   The Sunset Sea! the noblest and the broadest Of all the oceans girdling wave-washed earth; The calmest, gentlest, yet at times the maddest, In raving paroxysms of stormy mirth. The Eagle's continent its eastern border; Its western, that on which one half mankind Sit under despotisms of deadly order And bow to superstitions old as blind.   And yet how near together, spite of distance, Stand the two mighty continents, today! How nearly, at this stage of man's existence, Current to current makes its powerful way! Within this Golden Gate, the noblest, surely, Of all the entrances of all the seas, The Asian barks-of-hope float in securely, And furl their lateen sails, and ride at ease.   To prove that land to land is each a neighbor, Though leagues unnumbered stretch between the twain; To complicate the problem vexed, of labor, And aid, one day, perhaps, to make it plain; While westward stretches, to the Orient boundless, An influence mighty, from the Land of Gold, Of which no hope can e'er be vain or groundless Till all the New has leavened all the Old.   The Golden Gate, indeed! where cliffs stand sentry, And mountains heavenward lift their giant forms, And western gales make rough and dangerous entry To havens that shut away the wildest storms-- Fit index for the marvellous City, rising To granite strength from whelming waves and sands-- In wealth, in vice, in power, in good, surprising-- Most strange anomaly of human hands!   The Golden Gate, indeed!--when morning flashes Its cloudless splendors o'er wave, cliff, and height, When wild the surf on rocky Lobos dashes, Then glorious, grand, exhilarant, and bright; But crowned supreme, when cloudland's shapes immortal Attend the sun low down the radiant west, And the grand gateway grows a gilded portal For sailing towards the Islands of the Blessed.

Light, Flower, Water

There is no sign of clouds, There is no trace of winds. I sit next to the pool: The goldfish, the light, flower, water, The Immaculate Tree of Life. My mother is picking mint At the limits of the garden. Some bread, a few leaves of mint, a piece of cheese, And a spotless sky, all our wet oleanders; The salvation is not far-away:  It’s within flowers in the yard. The light is caressing the clear water of my goblet. The stars on the balcony are inviting the sun to the earth. To me, it seems, everything is hidden behind a beam. And the wall of time has few wide tears disclosing my face to the other world. There are things that I don’t know, And things that I know. I know,  I fly up to the peak: I am full of feather and wing. I gaze at the sight in darkness: I am full of torch. I am full of light and sand, full of flower and tree full of lane, full of bridge, full of river and wave. I am full of the weight of a floating leaf - over the face of the pond- But, How lonely, How empty I feel inside.

Green to Green

In this dark, I am thinking of a lightly lamb, to graze the grass of my loneliness. In this dark, I see my arms beneath the original rain that fell on the first prayers of men. In this dark, I open a door to the ancient lanes to the golden image of mythical caves. In this dark, I saw the roots. And, in this melting darkness, for the ever-growing pot of death I explained the fluid scent of Water and Earth.

I used to believe
In Santa Claus, but
I found my parents’ stash
At the usual age
Between ten and twelve

My faith in God died
Not long after

But I have since been replenished
With someone or something
New to believe in
Not just believe in
But devote my whole life to

And Her name is The Raisin Queen

Every so often
The stars align in a particular way
And the Raisin Queen visits me in my sleep
When I wake up, there is a trail of raisins
Leading to some unbeknownst treasure
Off in the distance

I follow the trail
And with every raisin I gather
I get one step closer
To the power and the glory
That is the Raisin Queen

I have followed a few trails by now
And The Raisin Queen has given my life a whole new meaning
Her treasure far surpassing that of Santa or God

I love The Raisin Queen more than anything else in the world
And she loves me in return
She must
For how can someone devoted such as I
Be denied the raisins I so surely deserve?

I love The Raisin Queen,
And I will kill for her
I will kill myself for her
And anyone who stands between us
For she is the power and the glory
Forever and ever
Amen

I can’t explain the wretched
Wear and tear of my
Spotty self concept
And my unshakable desire
To watch the World burn.

I eat more than I can earn.

I don’t know the meaning
Of concentration
Because I’ve been leasing
This concentration camp
In twenty-four hour spurts.

And now my imagination hurts.


I’ve slept all day,
spent the whole night
to myself.
This could be the end,
My friend, my caffeinated friend

But its never too late to make amends.

So if you pass through an airport
Long enough for them
To scan your brain chip,
It would be nice if you could
Tell the men behind the curtain, “Hi.”

Because now its time to pull their world over my eyes.

While channel surfing
I realized
I don’t feel represented
By what I see on TV anymore
Later that day
I waited in line
To buy shit I didn’t need,
Didn’t even want, in fact
I took my pills
To see the line clearly
And know my place within it
But the reality is
I took my pills to be sane
In a world that doesn’t make any sense

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OQSNhk5ICTI&feature=player_embedded

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZOqUFqF_ZwM&feature=related

I hold my sides wearily
pondering the lengths and strides I still have to take until I am authentic

Afraid to expose the vulnerable
I stare in confusion in front of the looking mirror, trying to distinguish where exactly it was
where my smiled
Lay down, gave up and died.

Weakened from my mind's inner war zone turmoil
Your compliments are cynical shrapnel to my confidence
Rebellious relentless disbelieving that I am what I know I am unique and
Pulchritudinous
I walk an unsteady line
tight rope of apprehensiveness
Unconfident
I want just comfortable enough to be myself and just breathe..listen to the drip drop of a waterfall and sleep.
I remind myself to Speak with Conviction
I know
I am no longer powerless
dependent on desperately trying to win your approval, you will never be affectionate
I will not be Subservient or put myself at risk for the harms way of that subjection
Impotent of love you were feeble and weak, feeding on my youth and purity.

I resurrected my heart with the my rocket fuel beating life back into my chest.
It's a combination of
Passion, devotion, infatuation and a couple of years worth of
Tears, and sweat
It's a metronome of my steadiness
Invigorated from my second chance
Defiant to self doubt
I valiantly confront challenges that used to make me shake in my converse shoes.

On the sidewalks the demons scream
and knock down all the iron walls.
These spoken commands make the streets
wet with blood.
The crimson red seeps down
into the city drains
and the mouths drink from fountains of hate.
The daily news is burnt away
while mistakes are ashes
underneath the chilling laughter.
The world tears away
from the ignorance of their broken lips
but the blood still stains the sidewalks
from the war they created.
Crimson red is welded to the pipes
of their lungs.
They breathe in.
They breathe out,
Exhausting the tangles of their insides.
But the crimson red silences their voices
and covers any hope for redemption.
The darkness sweeps over
the heart of the city
as fear and ice
turn the whole world to black.